Practical Applications for Validation vs. Affirmation

Yesterday as I posted my deconstruction of the difference between validation and affirmation, and its essentialness to bridge building between the GLBT and conservative communities, a reader posed the question:

What a wonderful challenge…I have not mastered that skill without having the feeling I’m conceding to agree. Do you have any practical ways to get over that?

Here is my response:

As practical as I can get, it’s still somewhat theory by nature—which can only start to change by making a daily cognizant choice to reframe your mindset and understanding during those particularly uncomfortable and disagreeable situations within a relationship. Here's what I mean:

The only way that I have found this validation/affirmation construct to become an effective part of someone's life is with a repeated purposefulness throughout each different context of life. For example, unless I CONSTANTLY remind myself that validation is different than affirmation in whatever situation (ESPECIALLY IN THE SITUATIONS THAT SO EASILY MAKE ME RECOIL AND GET DEFENSIVE),

and,

unless I CONSTANTLY vocalize [that validation is different than affirmation] to myself during each time of reflection on the aforementioned situation, I have found it just doesn't sink in for me and I end up no better then when I started.

The best place to start is with the place that makes you most easily revert back to your baseline feelings/judgments/reactions that at the end of the day might seem right to you, but actually end up causing a further divide between you and the other person/situation. These moments of self-reflection are key, because you have to be able to find those certain "push-button" situations/issues first, before you’re able to start applying this construct into everyday life. And unless you're willing to do some digging within yourself, no matter how well intentioned you are to trying to practically use this validation vs. affirmation understanding, it'll never happen—or if it does, it will only superficially last. And that is not the point.

In summary:

1. Self-reflect to find those moments that most easily make you recoil and get defensive

2. Daily remind yourself in preparation of those moments that validation is different than affirmation, and remind yourself of how that difference is not only important, but how it will play itself out within your current context

3. After the situation, replay it in your head and vocalize to yourself how you could have better implemented the legitimization of the other person’s experiences that have led them to their current spot—recognizing that difference and yet being able to productively move forward within that divisive situation/context.

Any follow-ups?

Much love.
http://www.themarinfoundation.org/

Follow-Up to Scot McKnight’s Post—Part 2

Here is my quick summary to understand what I was talking about in the last post regarding validation and affirmation (as I spend all of Chapter 5 in my book deconstructing validation. The chapter is called: Who are We Looking to for Validation: The GLBT Quest for Good News from God).

The first thing we all must understand is that there is a difference between validation and affirmation, as they are two completely independent constructs. Yet surrounding the topic of homosexuality, many in the Church take the stance that if I am to validate a GLBT person’s life and experiences as legitimate to them—their life—their story, that automatically means that I am leaping to affirming a pro-gay theological belief system. And that conclusion is just not right (or appropriate)! How am I to live within Christ’s come-as-you-are-culture if I’m not willing to even put in the time or effort to meet people exactly where they are without invalidating their entire known existence? It is imperative to be engaged with exactly what the GLBT community understands as truth, especially if it does not fully align with your understanding of truth. I believe that you can never see into someone’s heart and soul as much as we all think we can.

The finger pointing and the negative assumptions happen all of the time to both the straight Christian and the GLBT person—and it’s no wonder why GLBT people for the most part want nothing to do with us or our churches. Christians have to stretch themselves as they realize that validation to a gay or lesbian’s experience as it has pertained to their life is indeed as real and valid to them as any of your experiences. My belief is that discrediting those things are the same as losing faith in the understanding that God is in control of any situation or life—no matter where they are coming from. That might be a harsh analogy, but the severity of this invalidation pandemic is plaguing this culture war and perpetuating the very real disconnect that exists in being able to productively build a bridge from both communities. Many GLBT people are not willing to even entertain the idea of Christ from an evangelical perspective because they are too (I would even say rightly so) caught up in the fear of having their lives and experiences quashed by Christians who won’t think twice about it.

Just because someone’s life and experiences are validated does not mean that automatically affirms what others might not believe. I am not asking or expecting either community to believe in something they don’t believe in. But the conversation has always attempted to just force both sides into affirming one belief over the other (which will never systemically happen) rather than start with the base level understanding of validation—which provides space for all of us to start willfully living in this place of constructive tension. Change the conversation to humanly validation as relevant to legitimate life experiences, and all of a sudden you have changed the course of a potential relationship/significant place of growth socially and in Christ as well.

We must start to own a mindset that passes beyond the knee-jerk actions that traditionally cause reactionary offensive attacks towards each other. We have to work on the hang-ups when hearing a variety of traditionally hostile and divisive constructs, in order to fulfill our goal of being a productive bridge builder for the Kingdom.

Once that happens, we are all indeed starting from a level playing field.

Much love.
http://www.themarinfoundation.org/

Follow-Up to Scot McKnight’s Post—Part 1

Last week I alerted everyone to two posts Scot McKnight did about a letter he received from a Christian worship leader who asking for advice about a student in their group who is gay and believes God blesses same-sex civil unions. He posted the letter one day, and then the next day he posted a response he asked me to write.

Over the course of a few days there were 142 comments going back and forth about things that didn’t even relate to the letter or to my response—such is the life of the majority of posts/comments about the topic of homosexuality (the reason why I LOVE you all so much because you get it, and don’t get into those traditional and stale debates that prove very unproductive). Anyway, Scot was so taken back by the comments that he went back and posted another blog on what it means to have civility in two contexts: the bottom line in civility and civility in the intent in our convictions.

I thought Scot was 100% dead on with his deconstruction of civility at its core and its application, and it’s worth a read. Then something strange happened, within the next day or so there were 142 comments just on that post—and a majority of them weren’t civil at all! I think what happens is when people see the word homosexuality connected with anything, they think it gives them right to not contemplate anything that was said, but rather gives them free reign to resort back to their baseline arguments; wherever those arguments are coming from. That’s crazy! And that is exactly what task the Lord has given me—to systemically help us learn to not do such a thing.

In my observations of all of the 284 comments between the three posts (some of which were my comments as well), I feel the biggest disconnected gap between Scot and my words vs. the majority of the comments were that people are having a very difficult time separating the difference between validation and affirmation; an important part of understanding how to peacefully and productively build a bridge and one that I'll talk about in my next post.

Much love.
http://www.themarinfoundation.org/