Hard Lessons of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be a tricky thing. Many people, including myself, are able to talk about forgiveness as an important task in order to move on. Some people, not-so-much including myself, are also able to actually do it in their mind, heart and Spirit instead of just vocally forgiving the person(s) who have wronged them. A friend of mine, Margaret Feinberg, recently wrote a book titled The Sacred Echo. In it she so eloquently talks about how God communicates to us anyway he can—directly or indirectly. Hence the title, Margaret’s thesis is that God continually uses the ‘echoes’ in our lives (the reoccurring smaller, more indirect occurrences in our everyday lives) to reiterate the big idea he is trying to communicate. Such a thing has happened to me recently:

Forgiveness = Freedom

Two different ‘echoes’ have convicted me to this post. First, Mike Foster recently gave me a copy of his book, Deadly Viper Character Assassins. From p. 51-57 he (and co-writer Jud Wilhite) talks about the Precedent of Grace. Here is the portion that I couldn’t shake from my head for the last week:

“A new model of belonging, respect, and grace is needed to move from a culture of concealment at work to a culture of honesty. We must hold high the values of forgiveness and second chances. What are your secrets that you are afraid might come out? Is it better to live in fear or freedom?”

If there is one thing that I really make a concerted effort on, it’s being totally transparent at all times—if anything, pretty much every single person closest to me continues to tell me that I’m too transparent and need to stop pouring my guts out to every stranger or media person I come in contact with. Good or bad, that’s just not me because no matter who I talk to, no matter what the other person’s intentions are, I roll with full disclosure. But the part of Mike’s words that really hit me was the last question: “is it better to live in fear or freedom.” Over the past week “Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.” has been echoing throughout my Spirit.

Then as I was getting ready for work this morning a song by the Casting Crows came on, Here I Go Again. This song talks about a person whose best friend is dying and the person feels convicted because he/she always dodges talking about the God stuff, and now it might be too late. Here is the portion that I couldn’t shake from my head:

“Lord you love him so; you gave your only son. If he will just believe, he will never die. How then will he know what he has never heard—Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life. Maybe this time, I’ll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear, it’s tearing at my words. What am I so afraid of, because here I go again talking about the rain; mulling over things that don’t live past today. As I dance around the truth, time is not his friend—this might be my last chance to tell him that you love him…but here I go again.”

And at that moment I felt like a fraud. I stand in public and talk about Christ’s unconditional love, as we are all his children made in his image, and yet I am still harboring a special place of hate and resentment in my heart for a select few people. Then the final association hit—I loathe, fear, and I am crippled by these few people like many of my brothers and sisters in Christ feel about gays and lesbians who are, or were, close to them at one time. No longer will I do that. So here is my freedom through truth, freedom through forgiveness not spoken, but contently given to God. It’s taken many years for me to get here, but if I’m to publically move forward for what the Lord has asked of me, then I can have no place for secret hate—even if no one knows but me. Here is my secret list of people I am forgiving once and for all:

For the past four years there has been a man who just won’t leave me alone—not The Marin Foundation, not anything I do, say or write. He runs to any newspaper or magazine that will listen to him and he spews hate against me and what the Lord has asked me to do. He lies about me—he blatantly makes up things I’ve said, things I do or things I’ve done, and he just won’t stop. One day, with vengeance in mind, I Googled his full birth name (that I found out from one of his relatives that I so happened to meet). And wouldn’t you know that the very first thing that popped up was his mug shot and home address because he is a registered sex offender for molesting a young boy in the late 90s. He’s covered everything up really well because he has a new identity. He is a very successful businessman, heavily involved with child advocacy rights in his community, and he donates A LOT of money. No one knows the truth—but now I did. I printed his sex offender page off the internet and I’ve hid that page in my cabinet for the past 3 years, waiting, for just the right moment to publically hold it up in front of TV cameras, reporters and a huge group of people—finally exposing this man, his lies and false motives. But I’m not going to hide it anymore. I burned it today. It’s gone, it’s given up and committed to the Lord an no more will I feel like I have to defend myself against this man and the media outlets that love to listen to his garbage. I forgive you. And I am now going to be intentional about learning to love you because you are no less of a child of God than me. I am free from your traps; I have released myself for carrying you as a secret burden and thank you for being the one to bring this all to light.


I also forgive two people who used to be very, very close to me. They have decided to go in another direction and say negative things about me and tell some media gossip folks partial truths to very personal things that we all experienced together. I forgive you. I will no longer deny what you two meant to me, and how you two set me on the path the Lord destined me to be on. You two still mean the world to me, and that is why I resented you and what you did so very much. I have released myself for carrying you as a secret burden. Thank you for letting me love you, and one day I pray we can all connect again and restore what we had years ago.

Overall, the media has not been my friend. People always tell me, “no media is bad media.” Well, I don’t agree. But from now on I am releasing my secret burden, resentment and hate, to control what others say, twist or write about me. I can only be me, transparent and honest, and how others use that for their story line is up to them. I forgive them, and I am looking forward to the next opportunity I will have to be honest and transparent all over again—no matter what.

A benediction in closing:

Thank you Lord for allowing me to be free to forgive and free to live my life the absolute fullest I can through your unrelenting grace. Allow me to never change my transparency because I’m scared of what might happen with it. Thank you Lord for this opportunity to release these secret burdens that no longer will haunt my Spirit. In Jesus’ holy name—Amen.

Much love.
http://www.themarinfoundation.org/

God in Quiet Time? –Part 2

In the last post I talked about my belief that the label “quiet time” should actually be called (and lived out as) “spending time with God” throughout the entirety of a day—due to the pressure (internal and external) that is put on a person to feel or hear something significant in a designated time slot having to be with God.

Here’s where this all came from:

I just got done speaking at North Park University (NPU) and I was waiting on Foster St. for the #92 bus to take me back to my office. I had a great talk as the undergrads at NPU really resonated with my thoughts, stories and challenges (can I just add a side note to say how much I love the folks over at NPU’s Center for Youth Ministry Studies—every time I’m there it’s a total first class event). I was flying high, and yet when the final Q&A time had finished and I packed up my stuff to head out, by the time I got to the bus stop I felt very incomplete. I hadn’t had my quiet time that morning, or the last ten or twelve mornings for that matter.

And I felt like a huge hypocrite.

How could I stand in front of a bunch of undergraduate students at a Christian university and teach them about building bridges with gays and lesbians and tell them how important the Holy Rock is in the process, and then know in the back of my head I hadn’t done what I thought I needed to do?

I started to cry at that bus stop. I felt like a fraud and I couldn't stop apologizing to God. And that is when his gentle and loving voice swept through my spirit and brought peace. He said:

“Andy, spending time with me isn’t just an extended chunk of silence. You’re not less connected to me because you haven’t sat down in a traditional form of quiet time. Your quiet time with me is all day, because you talk to me all day Andy. Relationship is not about the ask, it’s about the communication. And your daily communication with me is full and loved. Keep your spirit open and keep talking, and stop feeling bad or guilty about missing what you think is a proper amount of quiet time.”

We are all to live our daily lives fully encompassed in relationship and conversation with God, with the cognitive recognition we’re in his presence even when we don’t feel it. I have come to believe that many people think a successful quiet time has to be based on a feeling of ... [fill in your own blank] rather than the cognitive recognition of the sacrifice of being intentional to be in relationship with God throughout the day. So let’s then concentrate on the process of the relationship with our Creator and not just the block of time.

The lingering question then, is that: “You said in the beginning of the first post that alone time with God is not only a good practice, it’s also needed—what's up with your contradictions?”

I’m not asking anyone to go wholesale and ditch a traditional form of quiet time. But what I am asking is for people to put a proper perspective on what quiet time is meant to be—not limiting yourself or God to a half hour, an hour, two hours, etc. of time in a day that is meant to be the time to communicate with—or be communicated by our Father. My words are not an enlightenment on quiet time, they are a not-so-subtle reminder that the burden of being with God does not just have to permeate within a label of what we recognize as quiet time.

Therefore we are to “spend time with God” walking daily in the knowledge that our real-time God exists as such, and in speaking with him throughout the day is the same relationally, conversationally, and just as effective as spending all day, every day in quiet time with God.

If you don’t box God in, you won’t be boxed in yourself.

Much love.
http://www.themarinfoundation.org/

God in Quiet Time? –Part 1

I’ve never been a big fan of the Christian label “quiet time.” I’m sure that may be offensive to some, but really, it’s not meant to be taken that way. Instead, I’m a big fan of labeling my “quiet time” as “spending time with God.” Let me explain. In a previous post I talked about the drastic change in my prayer life that has occurred recently: Away from asking and onto waiting. In Christian circles, prayer life has become synonymous with the term quiet time—and I understand why—it’s not easy to physically, emotionally and spiritually connect closely with God with a ton of outside distractions constantly interrupting what is meant to be a sacred moment in time. Therefore alone time, still time with God is not only a good practice, it’s also needed.

But I have also profoundly noticed that I feel quiet time gets overwhelmingly burdensome—too much emotional and spiritual pressure that it drains and paralyzes me for the rest of the day. And how can I effectively live my life tangibly lit up for Christ when I constantly feel like I’m 20-leagues below sea level carrying a grand piano on my back?

I started to wonder, why do I have to cram in all of my personally connected time with God into an allotted amount of quiet time within a schedule that I set? That’s an awful lot of pressure—pressure on me to get my whole being ready to be with God; and me pressuring (I would even call it limiting) God to fall in line with my designated quiet time. And when I look at this from a removed, objectified perspective, neither of those self-afflicted pressures makes sense within the broader picture of being able to, and wanting to deepen my intimate relationship with God.

For many years I actually thought I was the only one who felt like this. Many years, that was, until I started to go to seminary. You see, I went to secular schools my entire life. My world has been a very secularly involved life. I’ll never forget the first class I took at Moody and the professor wanted to start the class in prayer. I was literally in shock, looking around the room to see if anyone else heard his request. But then I remembered, wait, I’m at a Christian school with other Christians around me who wouldn’t mind starting class in prayer. What a thought?! But it was so foreign to me that the first time it happened it was also the first time I realized how far removed I had been from a Christian encompassed educational experience. That’s off topic though…

Anyway, the reoccurring words I started to hear from my fellow students was that they also felt bogged down by a perceived pressure (internal and external) to have some huge moment of revelation or peace or comfort each and every morning in a designated quiet time. And for the first time I wasn’t alone in my conflicted feelings about a felt-forced quiet time with God. What was to be an intimately special time had become a dogmatic routine of what “good Christians” routinely do to still be “good Christians.” And it didn’t feel right at all.

The problem with the label quiet time is that it makes an assumption that during the quiet time period, it’s the only true time to truly and wholly connect with our Holy Father—i.e. it’s the most efficient and effective way to communicate with God and he to communicate with you. And from my perspective, that belief sets a whole lot of people up for failure. What if I don’t feel connected to God at that moment—was my quite time ineffective? What am I doing wrong with God if I don’t feel as One? Is he not hearing me or recognizing my sacrificed time of being quiet trying to connect with him? Am I doing this in vain? Is this process even the right one? But if so many Christian leaders, professors, etc say it’s right, then I must not be right in feeling this way? What’s wrong with me and my relationship with God?

Let me just say this:

God is not just a God of quiet time. He’s a God of real-time.

And he wants us to be in a real-time relationship with him as well. Wholly and fully and emotionally and spiritually connectedness with God doesn’t just come during a pre-planned quiet time. To remove the pressure from the quiet time by shifting our mind frame onto a 24-hour daily experience through a continual conversational relationship with our Creator, will also release the false set of expectations related to a certain daily designated time of silence where all meaningful conversation has to happen.

Much love.
www.themarinfoundation.org

I Got Schooled Tonight

I just got schooled tonight. I got schooled in how to live authentically as a follower of the Way. I am completely broken right now as to how humbled I am to have witnessed what went down tonight with a bunch of folks who don’t care about book sales – don’t care about organizations – don’t care about branding, fundraising, networking, media or anything else other than being real and raw in living life as a precedent to not a belief, but rather to a way of life through that belief. It’s as simple as that, and I’ve been missing the boat because I have been too caught up in the lists of everything I have to do.

Tonight The Marin Foundation hosted another OUT! Night in Boystown. An OUT! Night is a recreation of my original immersion experience into the GLBT community by taking straight, conservative Christians into the gay bars and clubs in Boystown with the goal of striking up conversations to learn, listen and understand. There’s obviously more to it than just that as there are always other variables in play, but I don’t want to take away from the point that I’m trying to make …

I build bridges to serve and I work to bless others. Yet tonight as I was out on the town I was not the one doing the blessing, I was the one being blessed. Not by words, not by intention, but plainly by sitting on the sidelines for the first time and soaking up the genuine, non-pretentious joy of the others with me as they came to me wide-eyed about the stories and experiences they just had with strangers in the gay and lesbian community on the streets of Boystown at 2am.

I saw that pureness and I longed for what I once felt when I first immersed myself 8 years ago through my best friends. Now, it’s pressure. It’s producing constant activity. It’s that everyone looks up to me and expects me to start every conversation, be the center of attention, know what to do in every situation and be the expert in absolutely everything … and it’s the groups of people uncontrollably and constantly thanking me for what ‘you do’ and that ‘you’re so special and different.’

Well, I’m not. And tonight I saw what refreshed and refocused me back to what ‘I do’ because I saw others do it better than I, with transparent reckless abandonment of love and prayer. I watched tonight as Juan, a 50 year old blind black man struck up a conversation with every GLBT person that would walk in his path. He didn’t preach; he didn’t have to. He, in all of his smiles, love and blindness, talked for 4 hours to groups of gay men who then asked Juan to pray for them right there on the street corner in the middle of the night in Boystown outside of a gay club. Juan might be blind, but his tears are the same as yours, mine and those gay men who were blessed tonight by an unsuspecting grandpa who for the first time in his life didn’t intentionally run away from someone he definitely knew was gay. Juan is the expert. He taught me what overcoming your fears looks like and how God uses that fearful genuineness to bless and produce fruit in the most unlikely of places.

And then there was Joo Sim and Sun Joon – 2 twenty-something graduate students who just this year moved to America from South Korea to study in seminary. They speak English, barely, and neither of them had ever seen in person, let alone met or talked to any GLBT person. They were scared at the beginning, asking a million questions and writing down on a notepad every single word I said as we started walking around the neighborhood. For hours they didn’t leave my side, soaking up every word I spoke throughout each conversation I had. Sheepishly they went into the night with no clue of how to process any of this unique, cultural overload. And just like that they disappeared, venturing on their own to give conversation a shot.

At the end of the night the two of them came running up to me and told me how they just had a conversation with a cross-dressing transgender woman who was sitting on a curb in an ally crying. These 2 fearless, and very tiny (both height and weight I might add), Korean girls approach this intimidating 6’1” transgender woman and asked if they could pray for her. And with their thick Korean accents Joo Sim and Sun Joon sought Jehovah face to face as they called out to the Almighty for their broken sister in Christ.

Lives are changing because fearlessly sensitive doers of the Way are living out a certain, unshakable belief in Christ in real ways throughout everyday culture that never register on anyone else’s unsuspecting radar. Anyone, that is, unless it’s other countercultural radicals living in the same fearlessly sensitive way. And tonight I witnessed it first hand as 3 people that the everyday American person would automatically write off as not capable, had our Father lead the way in their lives as the Holy Spirit came upon them and did such miraculous things that even Juan, Joo Sim and Sun Joon didn’t think possible from themselves.

And I sit here now at a little after 3am shamed that I also included Juan, Joo Sim and Sun Joon in that incapable group as well. As embarrassing as it is to admit that, I am that much more grateful, and way ridiculously humbled, by the very important eternal lesson I learned tonight – God’s glory and power bear no bounds. Period. All He needs is a willing and faithful vessel who believes in His miraculous ways and yes, His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. It is literally as simple as that. And it’s time that even I start to believe it again. It’s funny because I’ve seen it before, I’ve lived it, and I’ve believed in exactly those miraculous ways for many years now; but yet there are times and trials that can still shake even the core of our foundational belief systems.

Lately I have been a beaten-down, overburdened, insecure shell of tired faithlessness. And tonight God showed me what is needed from me – just like Juan, Joo Sim and Sun Joon modeled by doing nothing other than being themselves, living in God’s pure strength.

Wow. Thank you Lord for giving me such a powerful lesson tonight: You have faith in us even when we don’t have faith in ourselves. :)

Much love.
www.themarinfoundation.org